Domestic Partnerships Are All the Rage in Post-Soviet Russia
When 36-year-old Elena (she and other sources in this article have requested that their last names not be used), an accountant at an international law firm, talks about her partner of more than six years, she always uses the word “husband.” Her other half, 39-year-old Georgy, a Web designer at one of Moscow’s big publishing houses, eagerly calls Elena his “wife” as well. Still, these companions who moved in together soon after meeting and now have a five-year-old daughter are not officially married, and have no wedding plans in the works. “But I am married,” said Elena, when asked if she is content with her somewhat unclear marital status. “We live together, we do everything together, we’ve got joint bank accounts, and my man is registered as our daughter’s father, she’s got his last name. What’s the point in legalizing our relationship so that the state recognizes it? We are a family already anyway.”
Some two or three decades ago, Elena and Georgy would be considered a rather unconventional couple and referred to as “sozhiteli,” which in Russian means “cohabiters.” Back in Soviet times this term had a somewhat derogatory connotation, implying that the relationship was on the verge of illegitimate and even immoral.
A question of status
This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Traditionally, marital status remains an important factor in Russia—a common opinion, especially among women here, is that every normal girl should “dive into a marriage” at least once in her life. Still, experts insist that the number of cohabiting unmarried partnerships is increasing steadily. According to the census taken in the year 2000, about ten percent of Russian couples were in a relationship they would label as “a factual marriage,” which means sharing a household and possibly having children without getting married. This year’s census results are not yet available, but sociologists estimate that at least 15 percent of all couples in Russia are now in a “cohabitation relationship,” and in Moscow, this share is slightly higher—a minimum of 17 percent. These figures are constantly on the rise, with society becoming ever more accepting of such unions. Only nine percent of younger people disapprove of cohabitation without marrying, and 32 percent of people 55 years and older do so, a recent study conducted by the Public Opinion Foundation revealed. That poll also showed that 63 percent of respondents believe that if two people live together in a shared household, they should be considered a husband and wife regardless of their official status as a couple.
But when in comes to having children, Russia still tends to gravitate toward a more conservative stance. As many as 59 percent of those polled by the Public Opinion Foundation said that it’s not good for a child to be born to cohabiting parents, and only 11 percent said they approve of couples deciding to have a kid out of wedlock. Even so, experts at the Moscow State University Family Sociology Department estimate that out of the 30 percent of births that are given by unmarried women in Russia, at least half of the children are born to parents who live together in an unregistered union. And these numbers, too, are expected to grow steadily in the years to come. Twenty-nine-year-old Alexandra, a freelance journalist, and 31-year-old Viktor, owner of a small yachting business, have been together for eight years, but got married only this summer, about a month before Alexandra was to give birth to their first child. “Lately we’ve been thinking of getting married anyway, but if you have a baby, it’s just easier with the paperwork when you are officially husband and wife,” Alexandra explained. She confessed that she had never been a fan of weddings and never fantasized of wearing a white bridal gown in front of a crowd of guests, and so their wedding was just a quiet restaurant dinner with close family and friends. Still, she said that unexpectedly after she and her partner made it official, the relationship changed a great deal—for the better.
“When you’re dating or even cohabiting like we did for the last few years, there’s this unconscious feeling that both of you are kind of free to leave any time,” she said. “When you are legally married, it’s different. I used to think it was just a formality, a silly piece of paper, but it’s not. You begin to feel more responsible,” Alexandra said. She added that her heart melts when her husband mentions “my family” referring to her and their baby—a word he never used to say when they were unmarried and childless. “Somehow it all feels more stable now,” she said.
Ekaterina, a 28-year-old editor at the Russian edition of Marie Claire magazine who has been living with her partner for more than three years, agreed. “We are not ready to have kids yet, but when we are, I would definitely like to get married first, well before getting pregnant,” she said. “I want my offspring to have proper parents who are full-time husband and wife, not just boyfriend and girlfriend.”
Futuristic family
But even though marriage, due to tradition or to its legal aspects, has not yet lost its appeal in Russia, the family is still in deep crisis, some trend-watchers believe. Hence the incredibly high divorce figures (Russia, where statistically every second marriage breaks up after ten years, tops the Western countries here), and alarmingly low birthrates (about 1.2 to 1.3 children per woman, the same as in Italy, Germany and other Western European countries facing depopulation problems). “What we now call a ‘family’ is just ruins of what a real family used to be a few centuries ago, before capitalism took over,” said Anatoliy Antonov, the head of Moscow State University’s Family Sociology Department and one of Russia’s top sociologists. He explained that after the industrial revolution there was no need for families to have lots of babies in order to maintain the large agrarian household—many people went on to work in the expanding cities, contributing to the end of the family as we know it.
Moreover, Antonov added, a modern individual tends to be fiercely independent, narcissistic and volatile at the same time, hence the reluctance to commit to marriage. “People are really scared of depending on others these days, therefore many decide that they just don’t need anyone except themselves,” he lamented. His forecast for both the institution of marriage and the family as society’s core unit in Russia is quite pessimistic. By 2050, Antonov estimated, families with two or more children will become extinct, few people will strive to marry and one-person households will prevail. Even true religious believers, for whom unmarried partnership and divorce are not an option (the Russian Orthodox Church strongly disapproves of civil unions, not to mention cohabitation) would not be able to help save the family. “Our research shows that these deeply religious individuals account for as little as two to three percent of the country’s population, and it’s not enough to resolve the demographic issues or the family crisis,” Antonov said. State initiatives stimulating family values and encouraging people to have more children could help, he suggested. Meanwhile, it turns out that cohabitation as an increasingly accepted form of intimate partnership might not necessarily contribute to improving the disturbingly unstable family situation in Russia. Even though many couples do treat living together as a compatibility test and a “trial marriage,” a good deal of cohabiters never make it to their wedding. Moreover, the longer such couples delay tying the knot, the less chance there is they will stay together at all. Multiple studies suggest that only about 40 percent of cohabiting couples marry within four to seven years, and at least every other couple separates after living together for five years or more.
Curiously, polls also show that while in a cohabiting relationship, the majority of men (at least 85 percent) consider themselves single, and most women (more than 92 percent) regard themselves as married. Family psychologists note that these differences in the approach to commitment and disagreements over the future of the relationship become key reasons why cohabitation might not work in the long run. Even so, ever more individuals choose to live together without marrying for financial reasons (legally, unmarried cohabiting partners have no right to the partner’s property even if they have bought it together—this brings many ex-cohabiters to court when they separate), as well as because of some negative family-related experiences in the past—either childhood ones, like a bitter divorce between one’s parents—or one’s own unsuccessful marriage.
Yet not all experts are bleak about the prospects of family in Russia. Ekaterina Ignatova, a Moscow-based practicing psychotherapist, observed that while many of her clients do indeed lack a proper family model having grown up with divorced or separated parents, for some cohabitation could work just fine. “I support cohabitation as long as both partners completely agree with it, and there’s trust and openness and no commitment fears lurking in the background,” she said. “These days, if one of the partners decides to leave, nothing will keep them from doing it, including a stamp in the passport or even a church vow,” Ignatova said.
And for some, a good old marriage is the best and only way to be together. Anastassiya, a 24-year-old photo editor, said it wouldn’t be long before she and her boyfriend of less than a year tied the knot. The latter has already popped the question and her mother has started refurbishing the guest bedroom to accommodate the relatives from Ukraine who will come to the prospective wedding party. “For me it’s fairly logical: two persons meet, fall in love, get married and have kids,” Anastassiya explained. “Marriage is a sign that you are a couple, no kidding, and that you’ve chosen each other, once and forever.”
“That’s what our parents did—mine and my boyfriend’s,” she added, “and they are still happily together.” Even the less idealistic Elena said she doesn’t exclude the possibility of marrying her partner Georgy—especially since pressure to do so on behalf of their family is mounting. “Our relatives and friends are all demanding a big fat wedding, but we can’t afford it now. We’d rather spend the extra cash on a vacation instead.” But, Elena added smilingly, she could easily change her mind about this: “maybe in a couple of years or so.
